Stacy sat on my lap and settled her pretty head on mybreasts. She looked up and said, "Daddy, can you be my Mommy?" But you already have a mommy, swee...ie." No, she always wants me to do boys' stuff. I want a special mommy wholoves me as a girl. I want you to be my special mommy." Aw, sweetie..." Daddy, why are you crying? Did I make you angry?"The tears were choking me with a strong wave of maternal emotions. Inever dreamed I could be a mother for my children. It was so touching,and hit. These losses brought me pain the likes of which I had never known existed, let alone felt. All that pain provided me with a new respect for fear. As with everyone, I had felt fear in the past. But this new fear, brought on by actual loss, actual pain… this was fear on steroids. I let it consume me for a time. I almost let it take me. My fear of death palled in comparison to the looming shadow of my fear of living. Aoife saved me that night on my knees, next to the bed Sasha and I had shared.. More

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