A dumpy man in a mop cap and floor length dress and apron waved me to the table set a mug of tea down beside me and a bowl of what I took to be porrid...e. It looked grey and un-appetising. I took a spoonful of it. Thick and unsweetened, it tasted no better than it looked.The maid with the beard and mustache whispered quietly. “I’d eat it if I were you. There will be nothing else until lunch time and if we’re unlucky then it will be more of the same.”I took his advice, though without much. And let me just say that on reflection a diet of milk-based cocktails may not have been the wisest of choices and it was rather fortunate that I had an unopened packet of baby wipes secreted in the bottom of my handbag. And maybe things are best left there, which is how I felt about our friendship.Anyway, I digress. As for your problem, Dreamboat Daddy, the solution is simple. Throw your babykins a sixteenth birthday party, invite the prude prunes and Child Protective Services. There you have. More

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