I bought sex toys that mixed pain with pleasure. My willingness to violate myself overrode my desire to make God happy to the point that I was willing...to put myself through the pain of autofellatio. I wanted to let religious life go. I thought I could just move on and accept myself the way I was. But I found quitting self-righteousness just as difficult as stopping my dirty daydreams. I would pleasure myself in the darkest ways I could imagine at night, and the next day lead my peers in. Denise was brought out of her sexual daydream by Gabriela's turn of conversation. Gabriela was unexpectedly expressing self-doubt, something she never did. She then surprised Denise by saying; "Do you really like me, Denise? I bet you would not like me if you knew everything about me." Denise was quick to respond; "Darling I love you as a very dear friend, just as I love Carla and my other close friends and family. Why would you think such a thing?" "Because I know you wouldn't love me if you. More

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